quick blog

clearly i sucked at that whole 30 day picture challenge...i'm over it haha.
i don't have the time to keep up with it, or the motivation!!!!



another note, when to the dr. the other day...& have lost 10 more pounds..HECK YES! i'm so pumped about this, i'm only 8 more pounds away to being the same weight i was in about 7th grade....and only 18 more pounds until i'm at my goal! & i hope to reach this goal SOON!!!! i'm so ready to just be there already!

like i said, short blog. now it's time to study my life away for the evening for my last final tomorrow :) :)



butttt, look forward to another blog coming up soon, with big plans, and things that have been going on lately with me, and also my family :)



<3

Day 4

a picture of something your scared of...




I know, most people are scared of spiders, or snakes, or something normal i guess....i guess it's normal to be scared of tornadoes....but literally i'm deathly afraid....everytime there is a huge thurderstorm I immeditally get the worst stomach ache. & if the tornadoe sirens go off...i start to cry...EMBARASSING i know. I'm 19 and STILL cry whenever the sirens go off....Just the thought that something could take everything in an instant...is a scary thing....I watched the movie Twister when i was like 7 & ever since then....wooh i've been terrified..i'm always scared one is going to hit the house and suck my family up :/ < how sad...lol it's just my train of thought and what i'm most scared of.

Day 3

A picture of your favorite memory this year....






SO HARD TO PICK ONE! but i must say that this picture is probably one of my favorite memories of the year. I love these girls, and that week at camp was probably one of the best ever. i loved it. & i couldn't of asked for a better group of girls in my cabin. & even though it's been 5 months since camp, i still keep in touch with them. They may not know this, but this group of girls right there....changed my life.

love them <3

Day 2

A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest & what they mean to you.




Well, that man in the picture above, is Josh :) I first met him in the 4th grade at church, & since then we have been best friends. I feel like he knows everything about me, good and bad. He knows every impercetion about me, but still loves me anyways. & that to me, is what a true friend is. I feared once we graduated high school that him and i would drift apart. Because lets face it. We can all tell people we are going to stay in touch after high school. But people start going different directions in their life and you just lose touch. It's a part of life. So i was scared that it was going to happen with Josh & I. But honestly i feel like since we graduated high school, we have gotten so much closer. & i couldn't be more thankful for that. He is my best friend, and i dont know where i would be with out him :)

Day 1.

So, a bunch of people on facebook are doing this thing called the 30 day picture challenge, but i don't really want to do it on facebook. So i decided to do it on here instead to give me something to blog about for 30 days i guess :) even though i'm pretty sure i'll miss days because either i'll forget or i just dont have time to do it. But hey. it sounds fun i guess. But for 30 days this website gives me a certian type of picture to post and write about. For example. today it's a recent picture of myself..with 10 facts about myself. So thats what i will be doing. Like i said, idk if i'll actually keep up with it. But it's worth a shot :) & others can learn about me in the middle of it as well. So here it goes.

DAY 1:


FACTS:
1. I'm 19 going on 30.
2. In other words, i feel older than what i really am.
3. I have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life.
4. I'm a twin :) & i wouldn't change that for the world.
5. I've never been so heart broken as i am right now
6. But i know God has better plans for me.
7. I HATE wearing socks.
8. i love to sleep!
9. I miss going to a "real" college.
10. I love my family :)




sure lame facts...but it's harder than it looks. lol But there we go!
day 1...COMPLETE :)

so this is what rockbottom feels like?

Obviously by the title of this blog, you can tell that i'm not at a good spot in my life. And as much as i would love to say something like "But i'm keeping my head up and moving forward" i cant...because i honestly feel like i don't have the strength to keep my head up, or keep moving forward. I'm taking it one day at a time. This is a feeling i've seriously never felt before. & it honestly scares me to death.

I've never been the type of girl to question my faith, I've always 100% had faith in God, and looked to him in the rough times of my life. But lately, i've been having doubt after doubt. First off, with recent decisons i've made (very poor decisions) I don't feel like i'm good enough to have God's love. I feel disgusted with nobody but myself. I don't deserve to have God i guess i should say, i don't feel like i'm living up to the life he wants for me. I feel like i've done nothing but disappoint him. Also, i've just been question a lot of things about him. and what he is doing for me. I feel like i pray and i pray for things and different situations to get better. I (used to) pray continiously, and read my bible daily, but i sit here and question, if God isn't going to help me out, or show me improvement, then why should i spend my time with him? I know...selfish and rude and awful thoughts to have right? Go ahead judge me, tell me i'm dumb for thinking this. because yes i know i am..but it's just simply how i feel at the moment. like i said i'm at rockbottom.

I know a lot of you who know me, know that i'm always happy, always full of energy and i always have a smile on my face. Right now, i'm the total opposite. I don't even want to see people because i don't want them to see me the way that i am. It's not good, and i'm not happy about it, but i don't know how to change it. Even though i want SO BADLY to be my old self again, i know she is in there somewhere. But the feelings of guilt, and anger have fully taken over my body. and i feel trapped. Thankfully, I went to a new doctor the other day, and she was just asking me basic questions...about different things with my body, and just my life in general. She mentioned that i needed to get some testings done so i needed to get my blood drawn. & she also talked to me about maybe getting on an anti-depressant, and she also referred me to a therapist. a lady who had never met me, could tell that there was something wrong. i guess all's i wanted was someone else to realize i NEEDED help!!! & i'm not saying this to get a sympathy vote, i'm simply saying this because i need all the help i can get.
I had my first therapy appointment this past Tuesday, and I actually enjoyed it. It's nice to get stuff that you have had built up inside for so long to just be let out knowing that it won't be shared to anyone else, and that you won't be judged for the things you have done. But, my therapist even said that i have a long road of recovery a head of me...I don't really know what anyone else can do to help me, and i know that my faith is strugging right now, but i still believe in the power of prayer...and i can use all the prayers i can get right now. I'm ready to get my old self back and be up on my feet again, and i know my friends and family are also ready to see that.


Thats all for now. i feel like i've typed a novel! haha : )

I'm tired of giving everything i've got.

Okay, so for warning, I don't want this blog to sound..idk the word i'm looking for at the moment...immature? i guess..idk i guess what i dont want it to sound like is that i'm boy crazy, or something i guess. So please don take this blog the wrong way.


So first off..i know i'm young. and i just need to be patient. alteast thats what everyone is telling me. But for those who really do know me, know that i'm probably the most impatient person on the planet. So waiting for something pretty much kills me. and drives me crazy.

So anyways; if it isn't obvious yet, i yet again got my heart broken. Which is obviously nothing new to me, seems to happen pretty often.but thats life. Unfortunately, this break-up probably hurt me more than anyone i've had, for many different reasons. But as always with a break-up, there is a lot of anger that follows...well atleast for me anyways. so i guess this blog is just going to be about the anger i have, and not just with the guy who just broke my heart...but for pretty much any guy who has, or will, or any guy who has done the same thing these other guys have.

One important thing for me to find in a guy, is someone who has a strong relationship with Christ. Being a christian is probably one of the most, if not the most important thing on my list. I want a guy who challenges me in my walk, but also is there to help me along. Someone who is confident in is relationship with Christ as well, one who will pray with me, and read the bible with me, or have talks about what God is doing in his life, and is willing to listen and support me in what God is doing in my life as well. I have never not dated a christian man. They have all been christians. But, in a way i feel like it is a good and bad thing. (please don't take that the wrong way) But, i feel like every guy like that also either hides behind guy, or using it as an excuse. I've been dumped about 3 times now over an issue dealing with their relationship with Christ. It's always either a. "I don't have a relationship with christ,and i need to focus on that" or b." I need to figure out where God is leading me, and what he wants to do with my life". Which i honestly respect that...don't get me wrong and i don't want to sound like a (excuse my language) Bitch when it comes to me stating that because it isn't my intention at all...but this is how i feel when it comes to both of those reasonings. First off, if your relationship with christ is struggling, or you need to figure out where God is leading you, it doesn't mean Drop the girl you are with. Just gonna throw that out there.....First of, i feel that in a relationship YOUR SUPPOSED TO WORK ON THINGS TOGETHER! it's a team effort, if your dating a girl who also has a relationshp with christ, it may be better to turn to her and have her pray with you, or help you out. you don't just drop her and say sorry....i mean if you strongly believe that God doesnt think you should be with the girl you are with, then by all means break up with her i guess....but don't do it within the first idk 2days of working on your relationship with Christ.....

i have a lot of anger built up with this one issue, and i feeel like i'm just blabbing and not making any sense. So there may or may not be a second part to this blog. & idk who actually reads my blog. But if anyone has input. Please feel free to share : )


<3

Doubt, Doubt, Doubt

I feel like thats all i have been doing lately, is doubting.
& i have no idea why! Its like everything that is going good in my life i'm doubting.

Lets just talk about dating for like .2 seconds. As we all know i'm in a relationship, and a really good one! He is an amazing man, & thinks couldn't be better. But why the doubt? I honestly think i've been hurt so many times in the past, that it's starting to mess with my head. Anyone who knows me, knows that when i get into a relationship, they don't ever really last that long. & i'm always the one to get broken up with and what not...yea embarassing. But i've just put in my mind that it has always been my fauld, i'm always doing something wrong, i'm not good enough, just all those negative things. When in reality, it hasnt always been my fault. But thats hard for me to get through my skull lol. I have no reason to doubt the relationship i'm in now. I've never been happier, and i know that God put him in my life for a reason. I just feel like Satan is trying to get a hold of me..well here is to defeating Satan because i've got news for him. It's not getting to me ANYMORE!!

So what else am i doubting? how about myself? yea thats a big one.
I've recently changed my major. I'm going to try and stick with this one. I'm going to go to school for either nursing, or an xray technition. So many different things went wrong when i was trying to sign up for Ivy Tech. First thing is they are making me re-take EVERYTHING i took at huntington because in order to get into the nursing program i'm going to have to basically get all A's for me pre-requisets. Which is find. i passed all my classes that i would need with an A. But since i'm a transfer student, all of my credits will only transfer over as a C. Why? because it's not fair to the other people who have taken all their nursing pre-requisets at ivy tech.. and because they don't know if I learned everything i needed to know. SERIOUSLY? the pre-requisits are English, Math, Psychology, and Anatomy....really? Come on..how much different is it really going to be? So here i am a sophomore in college, and i feel like a freshman alllll over again. Thats only 1 thing that went wrong...so many other things were going wrong. They told me that out of the 400 students that apply for the nursing program only 30 get accepted..REALLY? Well,let the doubt set it. Am I really smart enough and dedicated to make all A's. I'm never going to make it in to the nursing program so why even try. just different things like that. I don't know why i'm putting myself down like this. It's really irratating and it's starting to effect me in a big way.. I CAN DO THIS! & i need to not only have faith in myself but also put my faith intoFor I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I need to keep that in my mind. God is going to take care of me, he always does!

Wooh i feel like i just typed a novel.

Got any feedback? :)

BIG decisons and changes...

Well, it's been a few weeks of all kinds of emotions!!! some good, some not so good.


First off, lets just talk about my dad for a minute. If anyone has been having a past couple of weeks it has been him. He went to the dr. and they drained i believe 90 ccs out of his knee of nasty fluid build up. An they said that he needed to go to Physical Therapy. & if that didn't work then he needed to seriously consider knee replacements. So he has gone to physical theraphy twice already, and i've never seen him so sore!! & he is thinking about getting the knee replacement. Also, on top of that. He lost his job. A job that he was absolutly IN LOVE with! I can't go into deatail as to why. But this is heartbreaking for everyone in our family. & it also causes some HUGE problems for us financially. So idk who all reads my blog, but prayers for my dad finding another job soon would be GREATLY appreciated!!

Secondly, earlier this week, i made the decision to not return back to Huntionton University in the fall. It wasn't an easy decison. But it's a decison i felt like i needed to make. So i have a meeting with Ivy Tech next monday to get all signed up for classes. I'm going for nursing and i will have my degree in 2 years. which is good for me because i'm so ready to be done with school and have a career and move on with the rest of my life!!! So thats where i'm at right now with life. & i'm excited to see what God has in store for me.

Forgiveness

God has really been tugging at my heart these past couple of weeks. In good ways and in some difficult ways i guess you could say. I guess the main thing that has been going on is asking for forgiveness. I was sitting at Lance's house the other night waiting for him to get home. & he had KLOVE radio station playing, and i don't remember what the song was called, but it was about asking for forgiveness, and being forgiven and it just really hit me. There are a lot of people that i need to ask for forgiveness. & in a big way. I realize that lately I have hurt a handful of people. With some of the things i have either said or done, or not done. & even though i had a good reason for doing what i was doing. I realize that in their eyes it probably wasn't a good reason. So this week, i took a step...a very difficult step...and confronted these people. Which those of you who know me, know that confronting people is a HUGE issue I have, so this was definately not an easy thing for me to do.

In doing this, i have had some people forgive me, and we are now moving on an gaining friendships back. There has been some who won't even acknowledge the fact that i have tried to apologize, which has been difficult. But I keep telling myself that God has a reason for everything. & he has his own timing. And i need to learn to accept that and move on with life.

One thing that i don't understand though, is how you can be friends..best friends with someone for such a long time. & never be mad at the person, and they have never been mad at you. Then you do one thing wrong, and it's like you did the worst thing possible, when in reality it was a little thing that you did wrong. But the other person will literally ruin a friendship over that.

Reality is so hard to get a grip on sometime. I feel like i have done what i needed to do, i've asked for forgiveness. I've been apologized to as well, It's all in Gods hands now. He knows who is going to stay in my life, and by my side. So it's all in his hands and i HAVE to trust his judgment.



Thats all of my venting for now :)

i haven't blogged in such a long time i feel like. So whats up with me?
well, i'm 10 pounds lighter :) so that makes me feel great! even though i look in the mirror and can't see it, people around me have noticed..and it makes me feel great!

I recently got back from a week of camp. I usually go to Rainbow Christian Camp. But my best friend asked me to be a councelor at a Camp Challenge. I honestly did not rknow what to expect. But let me tell you, that week of camp was probably one of the best weeks of my life. It was absolutly amazing! I was nervous because i had never been a councelor before. & i was nervous about how the girls in my cabin would be. I was nervous about how i would handle situations that would arise with the girls in my cabin such as homesickness and girl drama, stuff like that. I had been praying for weeks about this week of camp and that it would go well. & let me tell you God blessed me with the most AMAZING girls in my cabin. I loved every single one of them and grew close to them. We were all unseperable by the end of day 1. and througout the week it only got better, and we grew so close! And the most amazing thing was that all of the girls except for 2 live in ANDERSON! & the 2 that don't live very close. We are already planning a sleepover and girls day and i love it! being away from these girls has definately been a challege, because i miss them so much! But i love that we can all stay in touch. God worked in everyones life throughout that week, and it was awesome to feel his presence. I miss camp and wish i could put that week on replay!



It's 2:15 in the morning. and i'm finally starting to feel tired. So that is all for now :)


Love<3

it's time to make some changes!

To be quite blunt, i have almost ALWAYS hated my body. I can't even begin to think of a time where i have actually been content with the way I look. Which honestly is very frustrating. I wake up every morning and I just point out all the negative things that I wish i could change. And then it just obviously makes me feel awful about myself, and doesn't motivate me to do anything. Which is my problem. I finally reached my breaking point and had a complete meltdown to my mom, which made me feel like a little kid again lol. But it honestly felt good to just let all my frustration and anger. It was a simple thing that set me off. I was trying to find something to wear to go to a wedding. It seemed like everything i tried on made me look fat, or i would find something i didn't like about it. I had thrown all my clothes out of my drawers and there were clothes EVERYWHERE. I honesetly think i tried on every piece of clothing i owned. And finally my mom walked in and asked if i was ready...And then the meltdown came. I have only talked to a few people about the negaitve feelings I have towards myself. But lately i just have kept it all bottled up inside. And that day it all came out. And i felt like somethiing just clicked and told me I needed to make some permanent lifestyle changes. First off I needed to be able to stand in front of a full mirror again, and pick out positive things instead of negative. God made me the way I am for a reason, i am beautiful inside and out, even if i may not be able to see it. I know I am. I am made in God's image, and I need to be happy with that. Secondly, i have started to eat healthier and workout...which is something i have needed to do for a while now. It's been easier for me to do this when i'm not at home. I am housesitting a lot this summer. I grocery shop for myself sometimes (depending on who i'm housesitting) & i try to buy all healthy things. Whereas when i'm at home it's not as easy, yes my parents do buy healthy things, but I live with 3 other boys who eat the crap out of everything. So by the time i'm actually hungry and want to eat...it's all gone..ha. But anyways. I also started going to Zumba, which i am IN LOVE with!! it's fun and you get a workout, that is 3 times a week, and the days that i'm not going to Zumba i am doing my own workout. And it amazes me how much better i feel about myself while doing this. I feel good about myself, i feel more energized and it's just a good feeling to have. and i love it. I'm ready to make this change! i feel like i need to make this change, for myself. It's a challenge and i know it's going to get tough at times, but i believe in myself and i know i can do it!!! losing 40 pounds is my goal. so far i've lost 3...it may seem like a small amount..but hey it's a start and those 3 pounds are now off my body. and i'm happy:) i'll keep an update every once in a while....

thats all :)

God is at it again!! : )

it's been a long time since i have blogged...i don't have wifi at my house and our home computer is verrrrry slow and i hate using it. so i never do. But I'm house/dog sitting this week and thankfully they have wifi..so now I'm going to blog : )

It's so amazing how God works. & lately, i just feel like God has been working in my heart like crazy! i have realized so many things in the past few weeks. I never thought a radio station could basically change my life. I have been listening to a station called KLOVE. Its a christian station, and i never really heard of it until I was driving home from school one day and was looking for a good radio station to listen to. & it stopped on KLOVE. & ever since then i don't think i have listened to any other station. It's soooooo good! & i absolutely love listening to it. It honestly helps me get through my day, no matter what kind of day I'm having. I've been in a big slump lately-struggling with so many different things. & they are things that are WAY out of my control. But i can't stand the thought of feeling like I'm not in control. & i felt like my life was going downhill at a fast speed. But every time i get in my car and listen to KLOVE I'm reminded that God is in control. & if i put my faith in him, he will get me through the hard times. Also, people call in all the time and share their stories about how God has been working in them. A few Weeks ago i heard a story about a woman named Shay Kelly who started a project called "project 50/50. She is in the process of traveling to 50 states in 50 weeks and is collecting non-perishable items for the homeless. She starts with the states capital and then goes to surrounding cities...If you wanna read more about it, go to www.ShayKelly.com < it's truly inspiring! & hearing that made me so overwhelmed by God. I want to do something big with my life. Something that doesn't help me, but it helps others. I wanna spread the love of Jesus Christ throughout the world. I WANNA MAKE A DIFFERENCE!! & I'm sooo determined! I have always had a place in my heart for Haiti, My freshman year of high school, i felt like God was calling me to be a missionary in Haiti, and meeting with different missionaries from Haiti at the Camp i worked for last summer (Rainbow Christian Camp) made me feel like God is truly calling me to do something in Haiti, it may not be becoming a full time missionary, but i know I'm meant to do something there & help make a difference. Listening and reading to what Shay is doing made me realize that i could do something like that. I would love to do what she is doing, only instead of collecting non-perishable items, i would love to collect peanut butter. Peanut Butter? < i know why would i collect peanut butter....well I believe with every tablespoon (not sure on the measurement) but something like that) of peanut butter a child in Haiti is nourished. That is one of the main problems in Haiti, is malnourishment. & something as simple as peanut butter can help bring them out of that. I just can't even imagine how much peanut butter i could collect within a year and how many children it will help! I'm so determined to do something like this it's unreal. it literally brings tears to my eyes when i think about this. God is working guys. & it feels INCREDIBLE!!!! I just need prayer and support- I WANNA DO THIS! i just don't even know where to begin. It will take a lot of work, but it's totally worth it in the end. That's all for now : )




For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.--Jeremiah 29:11

song that is like the story of how i'm feeling lately.

oh heartbreak is such a sucky thing! lol especially when every song you hear reminds you of that person..


Colbie Caillat: I Never Told you



I miss those blue eyes
How you kissed me at night
I miss the way we see
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want you
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to when I'm not
Around you
It's like I'm gone with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want
You
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
(still you're gone)
Can't believe that I still want
You
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you




took the words right out of my mouth! lol



<3

walls..

it seems like these day's my walls are just getting stronger and stronger.& it's getting harder and harder for me to knock them down.& i'm starting to cut myself off from people. Pushing people away because i don't want to get hurt. I just don't feel like i can handle it anymore. I don't want to push people away. But i feel like thats the only thing I can do. I'm feel like i'm losing contact with a lot of people. People who i've gained good friendships with. & idk i feel like i'm in some sort of depression state, even though i'm really happy! I'm always happy. I hate that i'm doing this. & i've realized it. I just don't know how to fix it. Or gain trust for some of the people who i've been talking to a lot. Why is it so hard for me break these darn walls down? It's a problem i've been struggling with for months now. I need advice? maybe? i don't know. eh. it's whatever, i'll get over it. I just need to start over.


Finals week has finally approached.someone shoot me. So much studying! So much packing. & WAY TO MANY goodbyes....
This week has also made me realize that things can happen when you least expect it. Thursday morning i got a text from max telling me that he has been involved in a bad accident. (yes i know not the greastest of ways to be told)An old man who was about 80 and probably shoudln't of been driving in the first place, ran a stop sign and ran right into max. I was heart broken.Everyone who knows me knows that max and I are extremely close, i mean hello he is my twin. So immeditaly i freaked out. He was crying, I was crying, Mom was crying. It was just a hard thing to have to hear that someone you love and car about just got in an accident. Thankfully he was okay. He had to get x-rays just to make sure nothing was broken or anything like that. An thank the good Lord he was fine. The police officers said that if the driver had hit just a little further over closer to max then he would of been seriously injured, or maybe even dead. It's hard to think that he was so close to being close to a bad injury..or even worse being dead. I can't even imagine. God was definatly with him that day.


You can't really see how bad it is in this picture...but his back windshield got knocked out as well..and max was actually traveling the opposite way..The guy hit him so hard he spun around and was facing the opposite direction of what he was going.



anyways;
thats all for now




<3

it's been a while.

I haven't blogged in a LONG time! wow, sorry..lol a lot has happened since my last blog so let me explain what all has gone on in a nutshell...

So i finally got to visit Johnson!!! i loved it. i loved seeing old friends that i hadn't seen in a long time, and meeting new people. I had an absolute blast!I could see myself going to school there....Unfortunately, even though i feel like that may be the school for me. I need to be brought back to reality. I feel like i would be dumb if i didn't go to a school in Indiana, i mean a full ride scholarship to any public school in the state..why wouldn't i throw that all away? As much as i want a christian environment, i have to realize in the long run what going to a Private Christan school would actually do...PUT ME IN SERIOUS DEBT! which is something I'm already in, just from going to Huntington for a year..i really don't want to keep adding to that price. Also, after driving there and back it made me realize how far away it actually is from home. I don't know if i can be that far away from my family and friends....I know i'll get homesick..and i know that's something i need to learn to get over...but i don't know if i will be able to handle it. Also, not alot of my credits will transfer over :/ i don't want this whole year to go to waste and not have credits transfer, i've worked too hard for them to not even count :/
UGH DECISION'S!! what i'm thinking right now is i'm just going to go to IVY tech for a year, figure out what it is I really want to do with my life, and give me some time to figure out what school i want to go to. And really seek out what God's plan is for me. I would appreciate prayer from anyone who reads this....It's not an easy situation to be in. & it's very stressful.

School is SLOWLY coming to a close! i'm ready for summer! I'm ready for those late nights out, bonfires, smoking cigars on Ben's porch :) and late night drives. This is the first summer where i'm actually going to be spending at home, without having much to do. I'm not really looking forward to the nothing to do part. But Freshman-Senior year of high school my summers consisted of 9am-5pm practices..and by the time i got home i was exhausted!! & this summer after my senior year i work at Rainbow Christian Camp :) which I loved!! & wish i could work there again this summer, but I'm taking classes over the summer, so i can't :/ but seriously this is my first Summer to just relax..idk if i'm going to like it or not...but it should be fun. I'm just ready for it to be here already!!

One thing that is really starting to aggravate me, is people who seem to take life for granite(idk if i spelled that right) these days. I don't understand why people think that their life is a living hell basically. Constant complaining, and talking about how bad things are. I understand that people have it rough, and i totally understand that some situations are tough to deal with. But when it become and everyday occurrence where you just complain about all the bad stuff, it sometimes gets frustrating. People don't realize how good of a life they actually have. I mean at least you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food on the table. There are so many people in this world who aren't as lucky as we are to have simple things like that.I hope this doesn't make me sound like a bad person, i mean if someone has a problem i'm more than happy to help them with it, i don't mean to come off as a "bitch" or anything. I mean sometimes you just have to vent and complain. I do it, and i know others do to. It just aggravates me when people can't stay positive about situations that aren't really that big of a deal. Wow i feel like this paragraph is one big confusion. I hope you all can understand the point i'm trying to make here.


Anyways;
this blog entry is getting long, so i'm going to just leave it at that :)

Hardy Basement!

I LOVE MY HARDY BASEBMENT GIRLS!!!
This picture above me makes me smile :)
but also has made me sad. I've been trying not to think about how saying goodbye to everyone at the end of the year is going to be hard. But the other night we threw a birthday party for Kaitlyn and Lauren, and all of us girls were just in there laughing and having such a good time. But after it was all over i sat in my room, and realized just how much i'm going to miss having these kinds of nights. These girls are all wonderful. & it's finally hitting me that maybe i'm not ready to say goodbye....only 4 weeks left.


the 2 girls that i haven't gotten really close with on the basement floor is Noelle and Kaitlyn :) These girls are my rock! I love them to death. We get crazy! & i can actually be my true self around them. and they won't judge me, they will just laugh! & it makes me happy! lol
see i told you, we get crazy! lol

Saying goodbye to these 2 is probably going to be the most difficult goodbye. They have been so wonderful. And have both become more like sisters to me. And i'm so thankful that God has blessed me with them. Even though i have to say goodbye, there is no doubt in my mind that i won't see these girls again. We are too close to not get together again in the near future!! I love you Noelle and Kaitlyn! Thank you for everything!



Anyways;
A week from today i will be visiting Johnson! Pray for me guys! i need it. I'm feeling so overwhelmed and stressed on what i need to do. It's kind of a big decision. And i've been stressing myself out about it for almost a month now. And it's kind of aggivating. I'm just trying to stay strong. But that is getting more and more difficult as well, i'm just ready for this all the be over and done with!!

anyways;
thats all for now

goodnight :)

Confusions

I feel like so many people these day's have lost sense in direction in life, and where they are supposed to go. They are so lost in finding themself. It really does just break my heart. Because it's happening to the people i care most about. I just wish there was something i could do to help them find their way. It kills me to see people struggle so much in finding out where they need to go from here. Or where God is calling them. I know God has a way of totally rocking people's worlds. An sometimes it's hard to get back up on your feet. I just pray that these people turn to God for guidance, and they don't turn their back on him. Because as i have realized i can only do so much. I can only talk to them so many times, and give them only so much adive. There comes a time when they have to realize that sometimes God is the only one who can help them get through the rough times, and if you turn your back on him, your going to be even more lost. & I've realized that all I can do is just pray. Pray that God will lead them. & pray that they will listen to his calling.
I was over at Max's house today, and he was using my computer to burn a CD. & one song that he put on there was a song off of Thousand Foot Krutches newest album. An the song is called Wish You Well....When he played that song it just kind of blew my mind...and kind of helped me realize things. So here are the lyrics..and i hope you guys listen to the song as well;

Sometimes love, feels like pain, and sometimes I wonder if it's all the same, sometimes life, feels just like rain, cause you never know, when it's gonna
fall down on you

I wish you well, I wish you well, on this trip to find yourself, I wish you well, wish I could help, but I can't help you find yourself

Sometimes faith, feels like doubt, and sometimes I wonder if we'll even get out, sometimes life hurts just like now, but ya gotta know, it's all gonna
come back around

I wish you well, I wish you well, on this trip to find yourself, I wish you well, wish I could help, but I can't help you find yourself

find yourself,
I can't help you find yourself,
find yourself..

and we were sixteen at the time, nothing could ever change our minds, we were one step below invincible, and we always fought it, you've never been the
same, you were so scared to make a name, then you threw it all away, and i wish you'd come back now.

I wish you well, I wish you well, on this trip to find yourself, I wish you well, wish I could help, but I can't help you find yourself, I wish you well,
I wish you well, on this trip to find yourself, I wish you well, wish I could help, but I can't help you find you

I wish you well, I wish you well, on this trip to find yourself, I wish you well, wish I could help, but I can't help you find yourself

find yourself,
I can't help you find yourself,
find yourself,
I can't help you find yourself...

Anyways;

Whenever there is a time in your life where you have to make a big decison. The advice that almost everyone will give you is, "Do what makes YOU happy" or "Do what YOU want to do" "It's YOUR life, it's YOUR decison" I feel like i'm at a crossroad. I want to do what makes me happy. But I want everyone to support me. One thing i hate to do is upset people. My delima for the past couple of months have been what school to go to next year. & what I WANT is to go to Johnson. I've made that pretty clear in some of my past post's. Thats where i feel like i need to be. And i feel like that is the direction that God is calling me. But of course the Big issue is always Money. it's ALWAYS money money money! Huntingotn like i have said in the past is expensive, Johnson cuts the price in half. SO Johnson is definately a better choice money wise. But I will still have quite a bit of student loans. Which is not good. If I were to go to a public school i would totally be paid for. No student loans to worry about. I don't want to go to a public school. To be honest it scares me to death. I'm so much more comfortable in the christian environment. It's a big decison i have to make. Go for what i'm comfortable with, and what I WANT to do. Or go in the direction that others want me to take because it will be better financially? & push me to step out of my comfort zone? I just don't know. & it's stressful! VERY stressful!

thats all for now

Butler's playing!!! : )

Todays post is dedicated to......

MY TWIN :)

this boy is my best friend. my other half. my "womb dawg" haha! Everyone always asks me if i love being a twin. And my answer is always yes. I love it! Now of course we have our moment. But I have never once said i wish i didn't have a twin. I love sharing the light with him :) We are so much alike it's not even funny. We act like complete idiots...pretty much all the time. But i love how we are so comfortable around eachother. & we have always had the same friends. So we have always hung out in the same group of people. It's been really hard and weird being here at school without him. I hate it to be honest. I think one of the reasons why the transisition into college was so hard for me was because i didnt have him here with me. It's sucks. I feel like sometimes people here don't understand my craziness. But i knew if he was here with me he'd totally get it and be right there with me acting just as dumb. I miss the hell outta him when he isn't here. But i love going home and seeing him and getting the biggest hug in the world from him. He seriously is my best friend. We tell eachother pretty much anything. And if i ever need anything he is right there for me. One of my recent moments that just made me realize just how much he really does care for me was in early February. I was stayiing over at his house. And he walked by the room i was in and saw me laying on my bed just bawling my eyes out because i had just gotten my heart broken..like hardcore...and Max just came in there and laid down next to me and just told me everything was going to be alright. and he just let me cry. He's such a good man. And a wonderful person. The bond we have is something that i don't think very many siblings can say that they have. I love this kid to death. We have so many inside jokes together. and i can seriously go on and on and on about all the reason why i love being a twin and why i love max. I don't know where i would be with out him. I strongly believe that i am the person i am today because of him :) I love you bubba!

oh and did i mention we have incredible dance moves???

ignore the singing hahahahahahaha i was outta breath!!

well, i've been in bed pretty much all day, minus getting up and going to class. But thankfully i only had 3. Strep Throat just.....sucks! but it's whatever. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

But being in bed gave me too much time to think. I haven't really had a day to just sit and think since the end of January. And i stayed busy for a reason. An then today. I got the chance to just think. lets just say....not the best thing.....Feelings & Problems that i thought i had moved on from. All came back to the surface today....Finally made me realize that i've been putting it in the back of my head and not really working on getting over stuff. Ya know just convincing myself i'm fine and it's over.....it's far from over.... AHHHH why do i do this to myself? I'm just being dumb. & it's my own fault for just laying in bed all day...(not my fault for getting sick thought lol ;) )
God will get me through this........*this too shall pass*
Anyways;
enough depressing/lame thoughts....how about something happy??

hmmmm......

I love Cierra & Noelley :)
thats a happy thought.
those are the 2 girls that are keeping me sane in this place! They are the 2 who are here for me no matter what. Sooooooo lucky to have them in my life!! i love you girls!! :)



goodnight.

another sleepless night....

What a weekend!

okay, i was so on edge all day friday. I wanted to get out of school and just be with my dad. I mean i know surgery went okay. I had talked to him on the phone and everything. But there is just something about actually seeing him in person that made me feel better about everything. Idk why i was so i'm not sure what the word i'm looking for here is....but it was like i couldn't think of anything else except for getting home. So i finally got home and saw him :) and immediately i felt better. We cuddled on the couch and watched the blindside (which by the way is an AMAZING movie) i love it! but anyways i was happy to see my dad :)

And then after spending some time with him, i finally got my laptop! which made me really happy. So that is a plus!

saturday i went to petsmart because they have puppies every saturday;

& i really want a puppy. So Abby, Whitney and I went to look. Little did i know i was going to fall in love :)

this little girl is just precious!

how could you not fall in love with this cute face?? lol

anyways;

Later on Saturday night Abby,Whitney,Tiffinary and I decided we were going to go on a little adventure...one of the kinds where you just get in the car and drive and see where it takes you, well we started this little shindig at umm 10:00 in the evening...and we drove, and drove, and drove. And stopped at different places a long the way...and the we got tired fo driving..and decided to head back home..lol...didn't get back to Whit's until 4:00 in the morning...then of course..we were all wide awake (for the most part) and i ended up not falling asleep until 5:00 or so. woke up at 8:00 to get ready for church...which was verrrrryyy hard to do. But i made it. lol. Sadly, i woke up and knew right away that i had strep throat. I couldn't swallow and i couldn't talke (i literally feel like i sound like man lol) but lets just say i felt like crap! So after church i went back home and crashed thinking i would feel better when i woke up...WRONG..lol but i had to drive back to school so i had to get up...i'm starting to feel better now, and hopefully will feel better tomorrow and not worse. So we will see.

Anyways. It's late. I'm tired. I may be able to fall asleep...who knows.

Goodnight.

Late Night Blog....

Too much on my mind.... i hate it when that happens, i can't sleep.

First and Foremost;

I'm so ready to know if i have gotten accepted into Johnson. The wait is practically killing me!!! I already have everything planned out, i already know who my roommate will be. and i love her to death! & i think it's going to be an awesome experience. I know a lot of people from that school. & i feel like i will be able to get connected better than what i did here at huntington..... But also, my mom (whom i love to death) has been asking me some pretty tough questions that are making me second guess myself (which i don't like AT ALL) but it's something i do need to face, Do i honestly think i can handle being 7 hours away from home? I think in time i will be. I feel like i need to get away and learn how to be independent on my own. Here at Huntington i'm only an hour away, and so my parents are always helping me out with things. which i really do appreciate. But i think it's time that i learn to handle situations on my own. Yes i'll miss them like crazy, i love my family. ALL of my family,& it's going to be a challange not being home. & my friends. I'm going to miss like crazy. & everyone at church as well. It's going to be a challange. But i feel like God will guide me through it. I'm ready for this challange. & i'm just praying that i hear something here within the next week so i can stop stressing myself out!!! lol

Another Thing.

This is just going to be a blog about school i guess. School is just stressing me out!! lol
I'm really just ready for this year to be over with!! I honestly just need to get out of here. I love the people..well most people..here..but..idk.. I feel like i'm suffocating. I don't feel happy. & i don't feel like i can be my total self either...I can only around like 2 people. Idk. It's probably just my being paranoid. But idk. I'm definately going to miss some people here don't get me wrong. It's going to be kind of a bittersweet thing once the school year is actually over. But idk. I'm tired of stressing myself out over all the homework and all that crap. I just need SUMMER!!!! Speaking of summer. I have high reguards that this summer will be the BEST!

Possible Job at Cedar Point with Noelle? hmmm... :)
& if not..then Bonfires,parties,friends & ROAD TRIPS! I'm ready! COME ON SUMMER!!!!


well i'm finally feeling tired. so i'm going to leave it at that :)


Goodnight!

We are going to Disney World...say what?!? :)

Yep thats right : ) My daddy came in the house the other day when i was home, and he said "guess what i did today?" and he then proceeded to tell me that he had made reservations at a hotel in disney world and that we are bringing in the year 2011 while in disney!!! & those of you who know me, know that disney world is my favorite place on this earth!!! I'm 19 years old and still freak out when i go there : ) So when my dad told me this new i practically had a heart attack! Let the Countdown begin! I'm stoked!

Anyways....

I can't tell you enough how thankful and blessed i am to have such amazing people in my life! The past couple of months have been pretty rough. Bad things just seemed to keep happening. It was like one hit after another. And it hasn't been easy. But i honestly don't think i would of gotten by without the people i have surrounding me. God has truely blessed me thats for sure!!

In other news, my daddy had surgery today, and praise God everything went well! One of the hard parts about being away in college is you don't get to go home whenever your family needs you, like in a situation like this. So it was hard for me to even think about anything else knowing that my dad was having surgery. But like i said Praise God! I'm such a daddy's girl :)


i believe this is all for now......

6 weeks!

a6 weeks left of this school....lets just say..i hope it goes by fast.
Yes i'm going to miss it, and some of the people here as well. but i'm ready to just move on!!


Spring Break is over, and it sucks. ha but i had a really really good week for several different reasons : ) it was good to spend time with family and friends again.The beginning of break wasn't all the great. Ha started out by working at camp..which I was okay about :) but not okay having to be outside in the pouring rain!! & then i realized i left my transfer infromation for school and a $700 check at school..so i had to leave work and go back to huntington. So i get in my car and leave and half way down the road my car dies. And it just kept dying. Ah i pretty much reached my breaking point at that moment. and my daddy came and he drove my car home for me..and it didn't die on him at all..i was sooo mad! like my car seriously hates me. it's a POS! i need a new one..but oh well i'm thankful that i atleast have one. But sunday Mandy went back to huntington with me..which was fun : ) the Majority of my time over spring break was spent at Mandy and Shane's house which i looooveed! because i got to see them and the 3 boys :) ah they complete my life! lol...butlike i said before it was nice to hang out with all my friends...& joey came home for a little bit too so it was nice to see him :)
This break definately had a lot of adventures though..which i enjoyed ;)
anyways i'm just being totally random.

Only 2 more weeks then it's easter break :) ha so i can count down to that!!

thats all for now :)

Spring Break!!!

Spring Break is finally here... & i couldn't be happier i dont think lol. i really just need to get away from school to be honest. There is just too much going on.

I'm not really doing too much over break, Monday possibly going to Chicago with my loveees :) and then towards the end of break i am going to Tennessee to see Joey!!! & also going on a college visit to Johnson Bible College. (If anyone who is reading this has been there, or knows anything about this school, i'd appreciate your input :) )

It's amazing how god works to be honest. I thought i had it all figured out. I honestly thought i would stay here at Huntington all 4 years. But through different situations i felt like i didn't need to be here, i felt like god was calling me somewhere else. So i started applying to other schools. I got accpeted into Ivy Tech, which isn't my first choice, but it was something, so i figured i'd get an apartment and go there for a year and do some Duel credits with another University. Well like i said God is funny and can sometimes just rock your world! I was doing my devotions the other day. and was reading in Jeremiah. And came to one of my favorite verses which is Jeremiah 29:11 which says " For i know the plans i have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" This verse blew my mind when i read it. Which is funny because i have read it so many times. But it really just hit me because i feel like i've been struggling so much with where i need to go in my life. I feel like i've been focusing so much on where I WANT to go, and not where i feel like god is calling me to go. So reading that made me realize that i have to give God the wheel and let him take control. So i prayed, and have been praying for God to direct me. And i just feel like God wants me to alteast look into Johnson, and go for a visit and give it a try. When i was reading and praying i just got a sudden feel of overwhelmness and excitement. An i just felt so ready to go. I've applied, got my transcript transferred, and my refrences getting their applications to fill out, I'm SO ready! It's all up to God now on weather or not i will be accpeted. But All i can do is pray, and those of you who are reading this, I hope that you will pray with me. :)

well thats all for now. I'll blog again next time i get a chance!

First blog? We will see how this goes.

So i've never really tried this whole blogging thing before. But i know a lot of people who are doing it. An i'm always on this website following peoples blogs anyways. And so i figured hey! why not give it a shot. So here i am. : ) I feel like blogging is kind of an easy way to get your thoughts and experiences out in the open. So maybe this is a good thing. who knows? Not sure how good i will be at updating, so bare with me! Thats all for now. I'll do an actual post later on. :)