Obviously by the title of this blog, you can tell that i'm not at a good spot in my life. And as much as i would love to say something like "But i'm keeping my head up and moving forward" i cant...because i honestly feel like i don't have the strength to keep my head up, or keep moving forward. I'm taking it one day at a time. This is a feeling i've seriously never felt before. & it honestly scares me to death.
I've never been the type of girl to question my faith, I've always 100% had faith in God, and looked to him in the rough times of my life. But lately, i've been having doubt after doubt. First off, with recent decisons i've made (very poor decisions) I don't feel like i'm good enough to have God's love. I feel disgusted with nobody but myself. I don't deserve to have God i guess i should say, i don't feel like i'm living up to the life he wants for me. I feel like i've done nothing but disappoint him. Also, i've just been question a lot of things about him. and what he is doing for me. I feel like i pray and i pray for things and different situations to get better. I (used to) pray continiously, and read my bible daily, but i sit here and question, if God isn't going to help me out, or show me improvement, then why should i spend my time with him? I know...selfish and rude and awful thoughts to have right? Go ahead judge me, tell me i'm dumb for thinking this. because yes i know i am..but it's just simply how i feel at the moment. like i said i'm at rockbottom.
I know a lot of you who know me, know that i'm always happy, always full of energy and i always have a smile on my face. Right now, i'm the total opposite. I don't even want to see people because i don't want them to see me the way that i am. It's not good, and i'm not happy about it, but i don't know how to change it. Even though i want SO BADLY to be my old self again, i know she is in there somewhere. But the feelings of guilt, and anger have fully taken over my body. and i feel trapped. Thankfully, I went to a new doctor the other day, and she was just asking me basic questions...about different things with my body, and just my life in general. She mentioned that i needed to get some testings done so i needed to get my blood drawn. & she also talked to me about maybe getting on an anti-depressant, and she also referred me to a therapist. a lady who had never met me, could tell that there was something wrong. i guess all's i wanted was someone else to realize i NEEDED help!!! & i'm not saying this to get a sympathy vote, i'm simply saying this because i need all the help i can get.
I had my first therapy appointment this past Tuesday, and I actually enjoyed it. It's nice to get stuff that you have had built up inside for so long to just be let out knowing that it won't be shared to anyone else, and that you won't be judged for the things you have done. But, my therapist even said that i have a long road of recovery a head of me...I don't really know what anyone else can do to help me, and i know that my faith is strugging right now, but i still believe in the power of prayer...and i can use all the prayers i can get right now. I'm ready to get my old self back and be up on my feet again, and i know my friends and family are also ready to see that.
Thats all for now. i feel like i've typed a novel! haha : )
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Maggie! I love you girl and glad you took the time to write this. That was brave of you to admit that something wasn't right. You know you never have to avoid me because I won't judge you, just love you for who you happen to be at any tim5e in your life. I will be praying for you. Come see me sometime girl! Miss you! You don't ever have to be your old happy self!
ReplyDeleteMel, thank you so much! i never thought you would judge me :) i know i can tell you anything. I really do need to visit you sometime soon! i need to get away from anderson for a day. i don't know when you are free, but we should make a time here soon.
ReplyDeletelove you, and thank you for the prayers.