so this is what rockbottom feels like?

Obviously by the title of this blog, you can tell that i'm not at a good spot in my life. And as much as i would love to say something like "But i'm keeping my head up and moving forward" i cant...because i honestly feel like i don't have the strength to keep my head up, or keep moving forward. I'm taking it one day at a time. This is a feeling i've seriously never felt before. & it honestly scares me to death.

I've never been the type of girl to question my faith, I've always 100% had faith in God, and looked to him in the rough times of my life. But lately, i've been having doubt after doubt. First off, with recent decisons i've made (very poor decisions) I don't feel like i'm good enough to have God's love. I feel disgusted with nobody but myself. I don't deserve to have God i guess i should say, i don't feel like i'm living up to the life he wants for me. I feel like i've done nothing but disappoint him. Also, i've just been question a lot of things about him. and what he is doing for me. I feel like i pray and i pray for things and different situations to get better. I (used to) pray continiously, and read my bible daily, but i sit here and question, if God isn't going to help me out, or show me improvement, then why should i spend my time with him? I know...selfish and rude and awful thoughts to have right? Go ahead judge me, tell me i'm dumb for thinking this. because yes i know i am..but it's just simply how i feel at the moment. like i said i'm at rockbottom.

I know a lot of you who know me, know that i'm always happy, always full of energy and i always have a smile on my face. Right now, i'm the total opposite. I don't even want to see people because i don't want them to see me the way that i am. It's not good, and i'm not happy about it, but i don't know how to change it. Even though i want SO BADLY to be my old self again, i know she is in there somewhere. But the feelings of guilt, and anger have fully taken over my body. and i feel trapped. Thankfully, I went to a new doctor the other day, and she was just asking me basic questions...about different things with my body, and just my life in general. She mentioned that i needed to get some testings done so i needed to get my blood drawn. & she also talked to me about maybe getting on an anti-depressant, and she also referred me to a therapist. a lady who had never met me, could tell that there was something wrong. i guess all's i wanted was someone else to realize i NEEDED help!!! & i'm not saying this to get a sympathy vote, i'm simply saying this because i need all the help i can get.
I had my first therapy appointment this past Tuesday, and I actually enjoyed it. It's nice to get stuff that you have had built up inside for so long to just be let out knowing that it won't be shared to anyone else, and that you won't be judged for the things you have done. But, my therapist even said that i have a long road of recovery a head of me...I don't really know what anyone else can do to help me, and i know that my faith is strugging right now, but i still believe in the power of prayer...and i can use all the prayers i can get right now. I'm ready to get my old self back and be up on my feet again, and i know my friends and family are also ready to see that.


Thats all for now. i feel like i've typed a novel! haha : )

I'm tired of giving everything i've got.

Okay, so for warning, I don't want this blog to sound..idk the word i'm looking for at the moment...immature? i guess..idk i guess what i dont want it to sound like is that i'm boy crazy, or something i guess. So please don take this blog the wrong way.


So first off..i know i'm young. and i just need to be patient. alteast thats what everyone is telling me. But for those who really do know me, know that i'm probably the most impatient person on the planet. So waiting for something pretty much kills me. and drives me crazy.

So anyways; if it isn't obvious yet, i yet again got my heart broken. Which is obviously nothing new to me, seems to happen pretty often.but thats life. Unfortunately, this break-up probably hurt me more than anyone i've had, for many different reasons. But as always with a break-up, there is a lot of anger that follows...well atleast for me anyways. so i guess this blog is just going to be about the anger i have, and not just with the guy who just broke my heart...but for pretty much any guy who has, or will, or any guy who has done the same thing these other guys have.

One important thing for me to find in a guy, is someone who has a strong relationship with Christ. Being a christian is probably one of the most, if not the most important thing on my list. I want a guy who challenges me in my walk, but also is there to help me along. Someone who is confident in is relationship with Christ as well, one who will pray with me, and read the bible with me, or have talks about what God is doing in his life, and is willing to listen and support me in what God is doing in my life as well. I have never not dated a christian man. They have all been christians. But, in a way i feel like it is a good and bad thing. (please don't take that the wrong way) But, i feel like every guy like that also either hides behind guy, or using it as an excuse. I've been dumped about 3 times now over an issue dealing with their relationship with Christ. It's always either a. "I don't have a relationship with christ,and i need to focus on that" or b." I need to figure out where God is leading me, and what he wants to do with my life". Which i honestly respect that...don't get me wrong and i don't want to sound like a (excuse my language) Bitch when it comes to me stating that because it isn't my intention at all...but this is how i feel when it comes to both of those reasonings. First off, if your relationship with christ is struggling, or you need to figure out where God is leading you, it doesn't mean Drop the girl you are with. Just gonna throw that out there.....First of, i feel that in a relationship YOUR SUPPOSED TO WORK ON THINGS TOGETHER! it's a team effort, if your dating a girl who also has a relationshp with christ, it may be better to turn to her and have her pray with you, or help you out. you don't just drop her and say sorry....i mean if you strongly believe that God doesnt think you should be with the girl you are with, then by all means break up with her i guess....but don't do it within the first idk 2days of working on your relationship with Christ.....

i have a lot of anger built up with this one issue, and i feeel like i'm just blabbing and not making any sense. So there may or may not be a second part to this blog. & idk who actually reads my blog. But if anyone has input. Please feel free to share : )


<3

Doubt, Doubt, Doubt

I feel like thats all i have been doing lately, is doubting.
& i have no idea why! Its like everything that is going good in my life i'm doubting.

Lets just talk about dating for like .2 seconds. As we all know i'm in a relationship, and a really good one! He is an amazing man, & thinks couldn't be better. But why the doubt? I honestly think i've been hurt so many times in the past, that it's starting to mess with my head. Anyone who knows me, knows that when i get into a relationship, they don't ever really last that long. & i'm always the one to get broken up with and what not...yea embarassing. But i've just put in my mind that it has always been my fauld, i'm always doing something wrong, i'm not good enough, just all those negative things. When in reality, it hasnt always been my fault. But thats hard for me to get through my skull lol. I have no reason to doubt the relationship i'm in now. I've never been happier, and i know that God put him in my life for a reason. I just feel like Satan is trying to get a hold of me..well here is to defeating Satan because i've got news for him. It's not getting to me ANYMORE!!

So what else am i doubting? how about myself? yea thats a big one.
I've recently changed my major. I'm going to try and stick with this one. I'm going to go to school for either nursing, or an xray technition. So many different things went wrong when i was trying to sign up for Ivy Tech. First thing is they are making me re-take EVERYTHING i took at huntington because in order to get into the nursing program i'm going to have to basically get all A's for me pre-requisets. Which is find. i passed all my classes that i would need with an A. But since i'm a transfer student, all of my credits will only transfer over as a C. Why? because it's not fair to the other people who have taken all their nursing pre-requisets at ivy tech.. and because they don't know if I learned everything i needed to know. SERIOUSLY? the pre-requisits are English, Math, Psychology, and Anatomy....really? Come on..how much different is it really going to be? So here i am a sophomore in college, and i feel like a freshman alllll over again. Thats only 1 thing that went wrong...so many other things were going wrong. They told me that out of the 400 students that apply for the nursing program only 30 get accepted..REALLY? Well,let the doubt set it. Am I really smart enough and dedicated to make all A's. I'm never going to make it in to the nursing program so why even try. just different things like that. I don't know why i'm putting myself down like this. It's really irratating and it's starting to effect me in a big way.. I CAN DO THIS! & i need to not only have faith in myself but also put my faith intoFor I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I need to keep that in my mind. God is going to take care of me, he always does!

Wooh i feel like i just typed a novel.

Got any feedback? :)

BIG decisons and changes...

Well, it's been a few weeks of all kinds of emotions!!! some good, some not so good.


First off, lets just talk about my dad for a minute. If anyone has been having a past couple of weeks it has been him. He went to the dr. and they drained i believe 90 ccs out of his knee of nasty fluid build up. An they said that he needed to go to Physical Therapy. & if that didn't work then he needed to seriously consider knee replacements. So he has gone to physical theraphy twice already, and i've never seen him so sore!! & he is thinking about getting the knee replacement. Also, on top of that. He lost his job. A job that he was absolutly IN LOVE with! I can't go into deatail as to why. But this is heartbreaking for everyone in our family. & it also causes some HUGE problems for us financially. So idk who all reads my blog, but prayers for my dad finding another job soon would be GREATLY appreciated!!

Secondly, earlier this week, i made the decision to not return back to Huntionton University in the fall. It wasn't an easy decison. But it's a decison i felt like i needed to make. So i have a meeting with Ivy Tech next monday to get all signed up for classes. I'm going for nursing and i will have my degree in 2 years. which is good for me because i'm so ready to be done with school and have a career and move on with the rest of my life!!! So thats where i'm at right now with life. & i'm excited to see what God has in store for me.

Forgiveness

God has really been tugging at my heart these past couple of weeks. In good ways and in some difficult ways i guess you could say. I guess the main thing that has been going on is asking for forgiveness. I was sitting at Lance's house the other night waiting for him to get home. & he had KLOVE radio station playing, and i don't remember what the song was called, but it was about asking for forgiveness, and being forgiven and it just really hit me. There are a lot of people that i need to ask for forgiveness. & in a big way. I realize that lately I have hurt a handful of people. With some of the things i have either said or done, or not done. & even though i had a good reason for doing what i was doing. I realize that in their eyes it probably wasn't a good reason. So this week, i took a step...a very difficult step...and confronted these people. Which those of you who know me, know that confronting people is a HUGE issue I have, so this was definately not an easy thing for me to do.

In doing this, i have had some people forgive me, and we are now moving on an gaining friendships back. There has been some who won't even acknowledge the fact that i have tried to apologize, which has been difficult. But I keep telling myself that God has a reason for everything. & he has his own timing. And i need to learn to accept that and move on with life.

One thing that i don't understand though, is how you can be friends..best friends with someone for such a long time. & never be mad at the person, and they have never been mad at you. Then you do one thing wrong, and it's like you did the worst thing possible, when in reality it was a little thing that you did wrong. But the other person will literally ruin a friendship over that.

Reality is so hard to get a grip on sometime. I feel like i have done what i needed to do, i've asked for forgiveness. I've been apologized to as well, It's all in Gods hands now. He knows who is going to stay in my life, and by my side. So it's all in his hands and i HAVE to trust his judgment.



Thats all of my venting for now :)

i haven't blogged in such a long time i feel like. So whats up with me?
well, i'm 10 pounds lighter :) so that makes me feel great! even though i look in the mirror and can't see it, people around me have noticed..and it makes me feel great!

I recently got back from a week of camp. I usually go to Rainbow Christian Camp. But my best friend asked me to be a councelor at a Camp Challenge. I honestly did not rknow what to expect. But let me tell you, that week of camp was probably one of the best weeks of my life. It was absolutly amazing! I was nervous because i had never been a councelor before. & i was nervous about how the girls in my cabin would be. I was nervous about how i would handle situations that would arise with the girls in my cabin such as homesickness and girl drama, stuff like that. I had been praying for weeks about this week of camp and that it would go well. & let me tell you God blessed me with the most AMAZING girls in my cabin. I loved every single one of them and grew close to them. We were all unseperable by the end of day 1. and througout the week it only got better, and we grew so close! And the most amazing thing was that all of the girls except for 2 live in ANDERSON! & the 2 that don't live very close. We are already planning a sleepover and girls day and i love it! being away from these girls has definately been a challege, because i miss them so much! But i love that we can all stay in touch. God worked in everyones life throughout that week, and it was awesome to feel his presence. I miss camp and wish i could put that week on replay!



It's 2:15 in the morning. and i'm finally starting to feel tired. So that is all for now :)


Love<3

it's time to make some changes!

To be quite blunt, i have almost ALWAYS hated my body. I can't even begin to think of a time where i have actually been content with the way I look. Which honestly is very frustrating. I wake up every morning and I just point out all the negative things that I wish i could change. And then it just obviously makes me feel awful about myself, and doesn't motivate me to do anything. Which is my problem. I finally reached my breaking point and had a complete meltdown to my mom, which made me feel like a little kid again lol. But it honestly felt good to just let all my frustration and anger. It was a simple thing that set me off. I was trying to find something to wear to go to a wedding. It seemed like everything i tried on made me look fat, or i would find something i didn't like about it. I had thrown all my clothes out of my drawers and there were clothes EVERYWHERE. I honesetly think i tried on every piece of clothing i owned. And finally my mom walked in and asked if i was ready...And then the meltdown came. I have only talked to a few people about the negaitve feelings I have towards myself. But lately i just have kept it all bottled up inside. And that day it all came out. And i felt like somethiing just clicked and told me I needed to make some permanent lifestyle changes. First off I needed to be able to stand in front of a full mirror again, and pick out positive things instead of negative. God made me the way I am for a reason, i am beautiful inside and out, even if i may not be able to see it. I know I am. I am made in God's image, and I need to be happy with that. Secondly, i have started to eat healthier and workout...which is something i have needed to do for a while now. It's been easier for me to do this when i'm not at home. I am housesitting a lot this summer. I grocery shop for myself sometimes (depending on who i'm housesitting) & i try to buy all healthy things. Whereas when i'm at home it's not as easy, yes my parents do buy healthy things, but I live with 3 other boys who eat the crap out of everything. So by the time i'm actually hungry and want to eat...it's all gone..ha. But anyways. I also started going to Zumba, which i am IN LOVE with!! it's fun and you get a workout, that is 3 times a week, and the days that i'm not going to Zumba i am doing my own workout. And it amazes me how much better i feel about myself while doing this. I feel good about myself, i feel more energized and it's just a good feeling to have. and i love it. I'm ready to make this change! i feel like i need to make this change, for myself. It's a challenge and i know it's going to get tough at times, but i believe in myself and i know i can do it!!! losing 40 pounds is my goal. so far i've lost 3...it may seem like a small amount..but hey it's a start and those 3 pounds are now off my body. and i'm happy:) i'll keep an update every once in a while....

thats all :)