Obviously by the title of this blog, you can tell that i'm not at a good spot in my life. And as much as i would love to say something like "But i'm keeping my head up and moving forward" i cant...because i honestly feel like i don't have the strength to keep my head up, or keep moving forward. I'm taking it one day at a time. This is a feeling i've seriously never felt before. & it honestly scares me to death.
I've never been the type of girl to question my faith, I've always 100% had faith in God, and looked to him in the rough times of my life. But lately, i've been having doubt after doubt. First off, with recent decisons i've made (very poor decisions) I don't feel like i'm good enough to have God's love. I feel disgusted with nobody but myself. I don't deserve to have God i guess i should say, i don't feel like i'm living up to the life he wants for me. I feel like i've done nothing but disappoint him. Also, i've just been question a lot of things about him. and what he is doing for me. I feel like i pray and i pray for things and different situations to get better. I (used to) pray continiously, and read my bible daily, but i sit here and question, if God isn't going to help me out, or show me improvement, then why should i spend my time with him? I know...selfish and rude and awful thoughts to have right? Go ahead judge me, tell me i'm dumb for thinking this. because yes i know i am..but it's just simply how i feel at the moment. like i said i'm at rockbottom.
I know a lot of you who know me, know that i'm always happy, always full of energy and i always have a smile on my face. Right now, i'm the total opposite. I don't even want to see people because i don't want them to see me the way that i am. It's not good, and i'm not happy about it, but i don't know how to change it. Even though i want SO BADLY to be my old self again, i know she is in there somewhere. But the feelings of guilt, and anger have fully taken over my body. and i feel trapped. Thankfully, I went to a new doctor the other day, and she was just asking me basic questions...about different things with my body, and just my life in general. She mentioned that i needed to get some testings done so i needed to get my blood drawn. & she also talked to me about maybe getting on an anti-depressant, and she also referred me to a therapist. a lady who had never met me, could tell that there was something wrong. i guess all's i wanted was someone else to realize i NEEDED help!!! & i'm not saying this to get a sympathy vote, i'm simply saying this because i need all the help i can get.
I had my first therapy appointment this past Tuesday, and I actually enjoyed it. It's nice to get stuff that you have had built up inside for so long to just be let out knowing that it won't be shared to anyone else, and that you won't be judged for the things you have done. But, my therapist even said that i have a long road of recovery a head of me...I don't really know what anyone else can do to help me, and i know that my faith is strugging right now, but i still believe in the power of prayer...and i can use all the prayers i can get right now. I'm ready to get my old self back and be up on my feet again, and i know my friends and family are also ready to see that.
Thats all for now. i feel like i've typed a novel! haha : )
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I'm tired of giving everything i've got.
Okay, so for warning, I don't want this blog to sound..idk the word i'm looking for at the moment...immature? i guess..idk i guess what i dont want it to sound like is that i'm boy crazy, or something i guess. So please don take this blog the wrong way.
So first off..i know i'm young. and i just need to be patient. alteast thats what everyone is telling me. But for those who really do know me, know that i'm probably the most impatient person on the planet. So waiting for something pretty much kills me. and drives me crazy.
So anyways; if it isn't obvious yet, i yet again got my heart broken. Which is obviously nothing new to me, seems to happen pretty often.but thats life. Unfortunately, this break-up probably hurt me more than anyone i've had, for many different reasons. But as always with a break-up, there is a lot of anger that follows...well atleast for me anyways. so i guess this blog is just going to be about the anger i have, and not just with the guy who just broke my heart...but for pretty much any guy who has, or will, or any guy who has done the same thing these other guys have.
One important thing for me to find in a guy, is someone who has a strong relationship with Christ. Being a christian is probably one of the most, if not the most important thing on my list. I want a guy who challenges me in my walk, but also is there to help me along. Someone who is confident in is relationship with Christ as well, one who will pray with me, and read the bible with me, or have talks about what God is doing in his life, and is willing to listen and support me in what God is doing in my life as well. I have never not dated a christian man. They have all been christians. But, in a way i feel like it is a good and bad thing. (please don't take that the wrong way) But, i feel like every guy like that also either hides behind guy, or using it as an excuse. I've been dumped about 3 times now over an issue dealing with their relationship with Christ. It's always either a. "I don't have a relationship with christ,and i need to focus on that" or b." I need to figure out where God is leading me, and what he wants to do with my life". Which i honestly respect that...don't get me wrong and i don't want to sound like a (excuse my language) Bitch when it comes to me stating that because it isn't my intention at all...but this is how i feel when it comes to both of those reasonings. First off, if your relationship with christ is struggling, or you need to figure out where God is leading you, it doesn't mean Drop the girl you are with. Just gonna throw that out there.....First of, i feel that in a relationship YOUR SUPPOSED TO WORK ON THINGS TOGETHER! it's a team effort, if your dating a girl who also has a relationshp with christ, it may be better to turn to her and have her pray with you, or help you out. you don't just drop her and say sorry....i mean if you strongly believe that God doesnt think you should be with the girl you are with, then by all means break up with her i guess....but don't do it within the first idk 2days of working on your relationship with Christ.....
i have a lot of anger built up with this one issue, and i feeel like i'm just blabbing and not making any sense. So there may or may not be a second part to this blog. & idk who actually reads my blog. But if anyone has input. Please feel free to share : )
<3
So first off..i know i'm young. and i just need to be patient. alteast thats what everyone is telling me. But for those who really do know me, know that i'm probably the most impatient person on the planet. So waiting for something pretty much kills me. and drives me crazy.
So anyways; if it isn't obvious yet, i yet again got my heart broken. Which is obviously nothing new to me, seems to happen pretty often.but thats life. Unfortunately, this break-up probably hurt me more than anyone i've had, for many different reasons. But as always with a break-up, there is a lot of anger that follows...well atleast for me anyways. so i guess this blog is just going to be about the anger i have, and not just with the guy who just broke my heart...but for pretty much any guy who has, or will, or any guy who has done the same thing these other guys have.
One important thing for me to find in a guy, is someone who has a strong relationship with Christ. Being a christian is probably one of the most, if not the most important thing on my list. I want a guy who challenges me in my walk, but also is there to help me along. Someone who is confident in is relationship with Christ as well, one who will pray with me, and read the bible with me, or have talks about what God is doing in his life, and is willing to listen and support me in what God is doing in my life as well. I have never not dated a christian man. They have all been christians. But, in a way i feel like it is a good and bad thing. (please don't take that the wrong way) But, i feel like every guy like that also either hides behind guy, or using it as an excuse. I've been dumped about 3 times now over an issue dealing with their relationship with Christ. It's always either a. "I don't have a relationship with christ,and i need to focus on that" or b." I need to figure out where God is leading me, and what he wants to do with my life". Which i honestly respect that...don't get me wrong and i don't want to sound like a (excuse my language) Bitch when it comes to me stating that because it isn't my intention at all...but this is how i feel when it comes to both of those reasonings. First off, if your relationship with christ is struggling, or you need to figure out where God is leading you, it doesn't mean Drop the girl you are with. Just gonna throw that out there.....First of, i feel that in a relationship YOUR SUPPOSED TO WORK ON THINGS TOGETHER! it's a team effort, if your dating a girl who also has a relationshp with christ, it may be better to turn to her and have her pray with you, or help you out. you don't just drop her and say sorry....i mean if you strongly believe that God doesnt think you should be with the girl you are with, then by all means break up with her i guess....but don't do it within the first idk 2days of working on your relationship with Christ.....
i have a lot of anger built up with this one issue, and i feeel like i'm just blabbing and not making any sense. So there may or may not be a second part to this blog. & idk who actually reads my blog. But if anyone has input. Please feel free to share : )
<3
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