it's 3:20am. I haven't blogged in almost 2 months. but as i'm laying here in bed. I've had a lot going through my mind. & i couldn't think of anything else better to do than type it out for everyone to see. I'm sitting here kind of reflecting on how far i've come in the past 5 months or so. I re-read my blog from October 2, & also from October 20....I was so hurt, & angry. Reading those kind of opened my eyes. I'd love to say that the hurt and anger are gone. But i can't. I'm still in the healing process. I though i'd honestly be past this by now. But i'm not. With that being said, i have made a lot of progress. & i'm proud to report that even though in the beginning i felt like a nutcase saying that i was going to therapy, i've come to realize that asking for help was probably one of the best decisions i have ever made for myself. & from October-December i was going once a week. Unfortunately towards the ends of December my work schedule got crazy & it was hard for me to schedule appointments, so i haven't gone in a while. I realized though that i finally feel like i'm at the point where i can do this myself now. Which is good. & a BIG improvement. which is what i need to focus on...the bigger picture of my improvements.
One thing that has been hard for me to overcome lately, and something that has been eating at me...is the feeling of betrayal. I spent about 3 months getting close to a certain group of "friends" People who were so invested in their walk with God. We all went to bible studies together, and church, and we were just all involved with eachother.(when cutting out pointless drama & looking at the bigger picture) It was nice to have a group of "friends" like that. At first i had a hard time opening up and trusting them. I have that problem with a lot of things. So i finally did. I let them in. I opened myself up...Only to be shot down... When i got broken up with back in september, i figured someone from that group of (what i so called) "friends" would text/message/call or whatever they would of done SOMETHING to see how i was doing, and how i was holding up. i needed those people the most...and out of idk i'd say about 15 people...out of all of them...only 2 made an effort!...2 PEOPLE...out of 15! I've never felt so betrayed in my life. People who i though were good for me spirtually, and helped me grow to a point in my faith where i had never been before...just turned their backs on me. & left me hanging out to dry. & All that i have taken away from that....is the fact that i no longer have a strong relationship with God...in fact. i haven't prayed or even opened my bible(because i want to)..since octoberish.. So here is a big THANK YOU to the people who have gotten me to this low point in my walk with christ that i have NEVER had....& i blame you! THANK YOU for not staying by my side when i needed you the most...(i hope you understand the sarcasm i'm portraying lol) because really i'm not thanking you.
An opportunity i have gotten lately though is being a Youth Coach at my church...I know anyone who is reading this is probably thinking to themselves..Wow! really!? she just complained about how she hasn't prayed or opened a bible for a long time and she is in charge of teaching teenage girls about christ? Yeah trust me, i know. & judge me all you want. But I can promise you this, i NEVER thought that being with this group of amazing girls, would restore my hope. Would get me back on the right track of where i need to be. These girls are young...and have several questions about different things. & i may not have all the answers to their questions..but what i can say is that i'm learning & growing with them. They may not know it, but they are helping me in my walk with christ. I feel like every Sunday when i see them, and listen to them, & teach them...I'm getting one step closer to where i need to be.I'm still nowhere close to where i need to be. But i know i'm on the right track and i have a group of beautiful 13 & 14 year old girls to thank for that one!
Now, i'm tired. Since i've let it all out there...i'd say i'm done for the night.
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