What i'm thankful for..

With Thanksgiving tomorrow, it's made me think about what i'm truely thankful for. so this blog will tell you just that... so here we go.

I'm thankful for....




These wonderful men! My brothers, and my dad.

First off is Max,my twin, my other half. The one who gets me through my rough days. He is one crazy kid, and always has been. But i love him so much! he just makes every day brighter for me. We obviously have our ups and downs. But i honestly dont know where i would be with out him.

My dad. i don't even know where to begin. We are way too much a like, so we but heads often. But i wouldn't have it any other way. He's my rock. The man i've looked up to my whole life. The one who always gives me strength to keep going when i want to give up. He's my hero.

Jake. ohh jake. he picks on me more than anyone ever has. but im thankful for those moments. This picture was taken this past weekend...on his wedding day. It's hard to believe he is a married man now, but i'm so thankful he found such a wondeful women.

Then there is Joey. the one who i go to whenever i need advice. he is always there to lend an ear. and tell me when i'm making stupid decisons. He's getting ready to be a daddy to a beautiful baby girl, and there is no doubt in my mind that he is going to be a wonderful father.


Next is...




My beautiful mother:

I go to her for EVERYTHING. and that is not a lie. I love having a mom who i am comfortable talking to about anything. She is always there to help me when needed. & she is probably the funniest person i know. she is just crazy! but i love that about her. She inspires me so much. Most kids think to themselves "when i have kids i will not be like my mom" For the most part, i want to be like my mom. She's just amazing.


Next...
I'm thankful for..





My lovely grandparents!
They are just the cutest things! My grandma has a heart of gold. & i love her to death. My grandpa just makes my heart melt everytime i see him. We just have a connection that i think only him and i will ever be able to understand. :)

& last but...not least. is...




This handsome man. I've blogged so much about how much Derek means to me. But i don't think i can express enough how much i love him. He's truely shown me the way i need to be treated & i can't thank him enough for that. He's means everything to me. & i can't imagine not having him in my life :)


SO there we go, short & sweet & to the point. There are so many other things i'm thankful for. Random people in my life who have impacted my life in such a big way. but there is not enough time in the day to thank all of you....

& i can write 40 million pages on how thankful i am for God. because there is so much he has done for me it's unreal. <3

I hope everyone has a wonderful & safe thanksgiving.

November 8th.

8 years ago today, i remember my mom waking me up saying we need to talk to you in the living room. I walked out into the living room, where all of my brothers were sitting, and also waiting for my parents to talk to us. At first i thought it was going to be exciting news..like "we are going on vacation" or something like that. Then once i looked at my mom and saw she had tears in here eyes i quickly realized that i would not be getting exciting news...rather I'd be getting devastating news.My dad then proceeded to tell me that my grandpa harry had passed away. This was the first person i had ever lost that was very close to me. & i was in complete shock. I didn't know how to even handle it. Of course i cried. My parents told us that we needed to try our hardest to go to school. I was in 8th grade at the time. & i tried my hardest to stay. but i didn't even make it through homeroom, which was the very first class of the day. I went down to the office and told them what had happened. & they called my parents to come and pick me up. I went home, and i just remember crying all day, not being able to grasp what was going on. Thankfully i wasn't alone once i got home. My cousin Benji had also had to come home from school and he was staying at my house for the day. We sat back in my brothers room, and just talked about how we felt. How we couldn't believe he was gone. But also the fun memories we have had of him. The funeral was rough, but aren't all funerals? I just couldn't believe that someone who i had just spent time with earlier in the week, was taken away from me. Thankfully i have a wonderful family. We all helped each other get through this rough time.

It's still a painful day for me every year. Everything just plays back in my head. I just kind of want to fast forwards through this day every year. But at the same time i wish i could rewind back to this day 8 years ago. Well more like November 7th. I'd make the walk back to my grandpas house (who lived right behind me) I'd spend the day just telling him how much i love him , what a great man he was. How big of an influence he was on my life. I'd let him tell me stories like he always did. I used to hate hearing his stories because they drug on forever...but I'd give anything just to sit down and hear one more story of his.

One thing i do know, he that he was a christian man. It gives me hope that one day i will be able to see him again in Heaven. That's the only thought that gets me through this day every year. I will once again be reunited with him. & i can't wait!


I love you Grandpa Harry.

It's time to make a change...for REAL.

One thing that i've become guilty of my whole life, is having a poor body image. I literally HATE everything about my body. & if i talk to someone about it, they say "There has to be atleast 1 thing you like" & honestly, there isn't. I can pick out a million negatives, but i can't pick one positive. This has been a problem since i can remember. I can't think back to a time when i actually had a good body image. isn't that sad? But i don't want to have a pity party, i just think it's awful for me to do this. I'm almost 21, and it's time for me to make some serious changes, so i can finally start feelin good about myself.

I want to start working out everyday. I usually work out every couple of days. & then it turns into like once every week. Then turns into once a month. then...well never. So i need to have dedication to this. I need to work out everyday. Thankfully, Derek works out and is going to help me stay on track (hopefully ;) )

Also, eating healthier is a HUGE thing. I'm so busy with school & work. I don't live in muncie, so i don't really have a place to go to to eat, so it's just easy for me to just hit the drive-thru. & Obviously that's not the smart choice. So i need to make some big changes there.

I'm just tired of constantly feeling negative about myself. It's time to get serious. I don't want to end up being 40 & weighing 500 pounds. I'm too young to give up on myself already.

So if anyone out there has diet plans/ workout plans they wanna share. FEEL FREE! the more the better!

that is all.

<3

oh you know, just another blog.

I feel like i start off every blog the same, " Its been a while since my last blog" lol but again I'm very busy & it's hard to find time to just sit down and relax. but i finally found time. Well, to be honest i'm just procrastinating. I'm supposed to be studying for my biology test..but obviously that isn't happening. But speaking of school...

I LOVE IT! I've finally found my passion & I know that without a doubt this is what i want to do. For those of you who don't know, I'm in pastry school. This is my first semester. Unfortunately, i haven't gotten into the baking part yet (that will come next semester) But i am taking a Basic cooking class. Which is by far my favorite class. it's a 5 hr class. & the Chef spends about 20 minutes on a lecture & telling us what we are cooking for the day, then we head to the kitchens and get started. I have realized that i learn better with hands on training. Midterms are coming up & so far in all of my classes i either have an A or B. Which for me i'm very pleased with because in previous years C's & D's were my average. I've come to realize that i am smart i just have to work hard. So that's what i'm doing. :)

More exciting news is that i'm going to be an aunt!!! I couldn't be more excited. This is my first time being an aunt. & we found out this past week that it's a girl! so i'm even more excited! But becoming an aunt has made me do some thinking. I've thought about my aunts & how they have all treated me & i must say. I have had the best examples of how to be an aunt. I love all of my aunts & am very close to them all. They have all always been there for me when i needed it. They have all been supportive in anything & everything i have done throughout my life. & I can only hope to be just as wonderful! Joey & Shea are both very excited. We all just want January/February to hurry up so we can meet this beautiful baby girl already!!

Also, I have a little baby of my own!!






his name is Pacco. I know alot of your hearts probably just skipped a beat when you read the sentence "i have a little baby of my own" lol but this is my baby. He was put in our backyard one day...and i mean we just couldn't resist this cute little face. he is the sweetest little guy you can possibly meet. I'm so in love with him. & i know i may be weird for blogging about my dog. But hey. i can't help it :) he brightens up my life!

Another thing that brightens up my life....






he's pretty darn important to me i must say. We've been together for 7 months now. Thats very hard for me to believe. For the longest time i was in short little 1 to 2 month relationships that i began to think something was wrong with me & that i would never be able to last in a long term relationship. Everyone kept telling me to be patient. That one day god was going to place someone in my life when i least expected it. & Man am I glad that i was patient. Derek is more than i could of asked for. We've been through some pretty rough times together & there have been a lot of changes. But we have managed to work together & make it past everything together. He is the most genuine & caring person. I love him more than words can describe. & yes this is your typical mushy gushy blog about my significant other. But i don't care :)




it's 12:30 in the morning, and i haven't really began to study that much..good thing my test is Wednesday...but i should probably get off of the computer for the night. so goodnight :)

Exciting new changes!

It's been Months since i have blogged. I'm awful at keeping up with blogging! I never have time to do anything online anymore. Especially now since i have 2 jobs. But hey the money is worth it! There really isn't too much new in my life.

I noticed in my last blog, i talked about how my dad will be getting knee replacement surgery. Well everything was a success! He progressed better and faster than anyone thought he was going to! So it was awesome to witness that! my dad is such a strong man! & i'm so proud! :)

These next few weeks are so exciting for me! in 2 weeks i'm heading to the happiest place on earth :) DISNEY WORLD! i'm beyond excited! It's kind of weird how everything fell into place. First it was going to be My mom, Dad & brothers, and all of out "significant others" but through different situations it is now just the orginal 6 of us (mom,dad,joey,jake,max & I) As much as we would all love to have our boyfriend or girlfriend there with us, it will be nice to have one last family vacation before Jake gets married & Joey becomes a father...& before school starts back up for Max & I. & I believe that everyone in my family just needs a vacation!! So i'm beyond excited!

Also I FINALLY start school August 22. I changed schools, but not degrees! I was planning on going to The Chefs Academy. But then i realized i can go to Ivy Tech for free & they offer a pastry program in Muncie! I'm so ready to start school again! i need something new in my schedule instead of just work! I'm ready! It will also be wonderful because Derek is now going to Ball State! So instead of being an hour & a half away, he is only 30 minutes if that! I'm going to love being so close to him!

I can't really think of anything else that going on but I was bored & figured i'd update :)

Life's Crazy Curve Balls.

well, i haven't blogged in about a month or so. I'm not very good at keeping up with this. But let me just say that a lot has changed since then...

First, my relationship with God, is still a work in progress. I'm still not where i need to be, or where i want to be..but i'm working very hard on it. I guess when you feel like you don't deserve God's love for the mistakes you have made, can really bring you down. But i'm starting to realize & BELIEVE that God will love me no matter what. & even though i may have turned my back on him. He was still holding on. Each day gets better, each day i see something that reminds me how wonderful God really is. Especially now since spring has hit and it's so wondeful outside. & just looking around and seeing/feeling his wonderful creation. God is good... :) I also believe that the past couple of months..(september-february) instead of turning away from God, i should have turned towards him. I went through some pretty rough stuff, that still has an effect on me to this day. But with God's help, i'm getting stronger. again, God is good!! Looking back on where i was in september to where i am now....i have grown tremendously! & I thank God for continuing to bless the broken road that i'm on.

Speaking of blessings...I've been blessed with a wonderful man.

This..is Derek :)
The man that i am completely in love with. I don't even know what to say about him, other than the fact that he is absolutly amazing! I've never had such a strong feeling for someone before...until he walked into my life. He makes me laugh more than anyone has ever been able to do. I can be my complete self around him which is something i love! I don't have to hold back, or try & pretend like i'm something i'm not. When we are together, we just have fun! I love being around him. Unfortunatly, he goes to school in Huntington where i used to go...and thats where we first met :) So the distance is not fun! it kills me when we are apart! but, i'm so crazy about him. & I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life...because i feel like Derek has saved me.. God brought him into my life for a reason. & i couldn't be happier. I've found all i've waited for, & i could not ask for more <3 I've never been with someone who makes me feel like the most beauiful girl in the world..but derek definatly makes me feel that way. I love him more than words can even begin to describe. He is so good to me. & i can't wait to see what God has in store for the both of us :)

Another big exciting/nervous/scary thing that is going to happen here in the next month, is that my dad is FINALLY getting a knee replacement! Which is something he has been needing for years now! Last year they thought they were going to try and do 2 things...1 is that they were going to try & put him in braces to try and straighten his legs out...but we didn't want to go with that option for many reasons. 2ndly they were going to try and do something where they were going to break his legs & try and fuse his bones back together to make them straigther..i believe..something a long those lines anyways...but again for many reasons we decided against that option. So..we put off going to doctors for a while..But in the past few months my dad's pain has gotten worse & it's harder for him to walk & it takes him a while to get up..which breaks my heart. So finally, he decided to go to a new specialist, where they decided they were going to do a knee replacement!! This will add a few more years with his ability to walk. which is one thing my dad really wanted...he told the doctors one thing that really worried him was that he wasn't going to be able to walk me down the aisle when i got married...so hopefully now, he will be able to walk me down..and not ride down beside me on a scooter. That will be an emotional day when my dad WALKS me down :) But anyways..big surgery on April 27th. So prayers are very appreciated!!

Thats all of the blogging i'm doing for now..maybe i won't take as long this next time to blog..



<3

late nights & sleepless nights..the best time to blog

it's 3:20am. I haven't blogged in almost 2 months. but as i'm laying here in bed. I've had a lot going through my mind. & i couldn't think of anything else better to do than type it out for everyone to see. I'm sitting here kind of reflecting on how far i've come in the past 5 months or so. I re-read my blog from October 2, & also from October 20....I was so hurt, & angry. Reading those kind of opened my eyes. I'd love to say that the hurt and anger are gone. But i can't. I'm still in the healing process. I though i'd honestly be past this by now. But i'm not. With that being said, i have made a lot of progress. & i'm proud to report that even though in the beginning i felt like a nutcase saying that i was going to therapy, i've come to realize that asking for help was probably one of the best decisions i have ever made for myself. & from October-December i was going once a week. Unfortunately towards the ends of December my work schedule got crazy & it was hard for me to schedule appointments, so i haven't gone in a while. I realized though that i finally feel like i'm at the point where i can do this myself now. Which is good. & a BIG improvement. which is what i need to focus on...the bigger picture of my improvements.

One thing that has been hard for me to overcome lately, and something that has been eating at me...is the feeling of betrayal. I spent about 3 months getting close to a certain group of "friends" People who were so invested in their walk with God. We all went to bible studies together, and church, and we were just all involved with eachother.(when cutting out pointless drama & looking at the bigger picture) It was nice to have a group of "friends" like that. At first i had a hard time opening up and trusting them. I have that problem with a lot of things. So i finally did. I let them in. I opened myself up...Only to be shot down... When i got broken up with back in september, i figured someone from that group of (what i so called) "friends" would text/message/call or whatever they would of done SOMETHING to see how i was doing, and how i was holding up. i needed those people the most...and out of idk i'd say about 15 people...out of all of them...only 2 made an effort!...2 PEOPLE...out of 15! I've never felt so betrayed in my life. People who i though were good for me spirtually, and helped me grow to a point in my faith where i had never been before...just turned their backs on me. & left me hanging out to dry. & All that i have taken away from that....is the fact that i no longer have a strong relationship with God...in fact. i haven't prayed or even opened my bible(because i want to)..since octoberish.. So here is a big THANK YOU to the people who have gotten me to this low point in my walk with christ that i have NEVER had....& i blame you! THANK YOU for not staying by my side when i needed you the most...(i hope you understand the sarcasm i'm portraying lol) because really i'm not thanking you.

An opportunity i have gotten lately though is being a Youth Coach at my church...I know anyone who is reading this is probably thinking to themselves..Wow! really!? she just complained about how she hasn't prayed or opened a bible for a long time and she is in charge of teaching teenage girls about christ? Yeah trust me, i know. & judge me all you want. But I can promise you this, i NEVER thought that being with this group of amazing girls, would restore my hope. Would get me back on the right track of where i need to be. These girls are young...and have several questions about different things. & i may not have all the answers to their questions..but what i can say is that i'm learning & growing with them. They may not know it, but they are helping me in my walk with christ. I feel like every Sunday when i see them, and listen to them, & teach them...I'm getting one step closer to where i need to be.I'm still nowhere close to where i need to be. But i know i'm on the right track and i have a group of beautiful 13 & 14 year old girls to thank for that one!


Now, i'm tired. Since i've let it all out there...i'd say i'm done for the night.